Sunday, July 31, 2005

First Sip of Honey III - The Death Of A Goddess

“You are my goddess.” said he. I’d never wanted to go through surgeries or cross-dress to be a girl but I dun mind being called goddess. After all, I also called him ‘the most handsome guy in the world”. Was it true by general standard? Nah. Was it true by my standard? Yes. Everyone knew how it felt when you were madly in love. We believed anything from your lover’s mouth.

It’s a hot summer afternoon. He and I went to karaoke box to sing. We were in that room alone trying to bend out every favourite song of ours. I loved singing and I know I could sing really well as long as I was in mood. I could tell he was hypnotized by my voice and I sensed that he wanna kiss me. I was too timid to make a move and I just lie my head on his shoulder – first time to do that in my whole life and I found that the best way to rest my head ;) After that, we had dinner at his favourite Japanese restaurant. He introduced me to the owner of that. “This is my honey.” I was blushing. How can he tell others? Will people feel bad about seeing gay lovers? I was too young to know that LOVE had always been the most beautiful thing on earth and that glowed no matter who we were.

I was lowering down my head to check out something outside a shop. I felt something crawling on my neck. He surrounded his wooden necklace on my neck as he remembered I once said it’s a pretty necklace. The first gift from my first lover. He did anything to show his love to me. Everyday was like Valentine’s Day.

He resigned from the boutique as that supervisor had been really ridiculous on him. She portrayed the famous quote: You would never have a peaceful life if I couldn’t have you. He waited for me every day. Sometimes, he would just hide around the corner and try to see how desperate I looked when I was waiting for him. It’s a day off of mine and we decided to go out. We were on phone the whole day and we couldn’t decide where to go. Finally, he suggested going to his house. I bought canned mangoes, milk, brown sugar, eggs and tin containers. I wanna make him mango pudding. I wore my cutest outfit.

Knock! Knock! He opened the door. He overdressed if we talked about home-wear. He was expecting me. There’s scar on his nose. He broke up with that girl, she slapped him and left this scar on his nose by her sharpened nail. How dare?! He told me he wanna take a shower and I called my friend right after he got into bathroom. “You guys are gonna have sex.” claimed she. “No way!” “I can tell! Trust me. Taking a shower is just a preparation for that.” Whom was I to argue with her? She had had a bf for 4 years and they had sex few times a week while I was a virgin. I’d better shut up and wait and see. He came out of shower and smelt like bottles of floral shower gel. We watched clips of movies and then we moved on sitting in his bed – seeing his photos.

He was a very obese guy in pictures and he liked girls with a bit flesh. All his ex-gfs looked quite pretty. He was rather skinny when I met him. Few years ago, he had a very bad liver failure and stayed in hospital for one year. He didn’t tell me where this liver failure came from – at least not yet. Music went on and we tried to have some intimate body contact. (……censored) After that he cried out of shock! What? Didn’t it happen to girls only? I watched that from movie that girls would cry after sex. He asked me to go away right after that but then said sorry and asked me to stay.

I was lost. What the f was happening? I just knew to be silent and listen. He then took out a picture – an ex-gf he loved most. He told me how great she was and how much he treasured her. She went skiing with her family in Sweden and she fell from the hill. Her family flew him to Sweden. She’d passed away by the time he arrived. He screamed and shouted in the hospital. He was calmed down from injection to injection. He didn’t eat and speak. Just keep crying and saying her name. His Liver was in serious concern and that’s how he lost that 100 pounds. He told me I’d owned the grace and softness of this girl. He found that girl in me at his first glance.

Okay, I was listening but I felt too confused/ lost and anxious to understand the whole thing. Did he fall in love with me just because I owned a feeling of that girl’s? Was he lying? Should I go away now as he asked me to? Should I stay because he asked me to? What was I doing? There were no books, guidelines or anything for me to explain the whole thing. I didn’t know. It’s my first love. I just knew that I didn’t feel right.

He asked me to sleep and I was sleeping next to him holding a doll he gave me. I was holding the doll one hand and one to his hand. I cannot sleep. I didn’t understand. I woke up in the middle of the night. Put on my own clothes and left a note “Thank you for everything. I do love you.” And I quietly left the house. I didn’t know if I was doing the right thing but at least that’s what I wanted to do. On the next day at around 3, he called and asked why I left without telling him. I should have told him so he can walk me to the mini bus stop. I said fine it’s okay, whatever. We didn’t speak for two weeks and I was trying to cut him out of my life. That was the longest sadness I embraced after break-up. I stayed in bed, cried and stopped eating. After that, I know one can still move on no matter how much he loves someone. I thought I would have died but I am still alive.

Hong Kong is a small place but we only manage to bump into each other for three times after that: One was after the release of my A-level results. I wanted to see him. He gave me a small bag as a gift. I remember he was saying how ugly my clothes were that day. Another one was seeing him at a restaurant with his new gf. We chatted and he came to introduce his girl to me. He didn’t use the same name as the one I knew. Then, 5 years later, I met him at a gay bar and he was with a friend. I asked him if he was still feeling confused about his sexuality and he answered yes. I told him life had been too short for confusion and I hoped he would stop wasting his life from sharing happiness with a deserved one. He wanted to kiss me and I kindly rejected.

Looking back, it was a beautiful love. I loved and he loved. I was too young and coward to stay and support him going through the whole thing, instead I chose to leave and stayed away from giving more love in that bond but I learnt so much about love, I knew there’s nothing to worry about if there’s love. A thing that we should feel proud and grateful of. He taught me to stay focused in love and never care about how people said. Everyone’s got a mouth and he/ she can go on BS-ing anything on every single dust in the world. I can’t care less, really. Writing this makes me see how much he loved me and how lucky I was to have this romantic encounter. We never argued and had one single moment of uneasiness. I might feel disappointed a bit before but I don’t feel that now. He will always be one sparkling piece on my life-puzzle. By any chance God do really exist, I wish him the best and there is someone who loves him for the rest of his life.


Wednesday, July 20, 2005

First Sip Of Honey II

To ‘maximize’ my summer job salary, I brought my lunch every day. I treasured my lunch box much as I found myself smart to save money this way and kind of loving to myself by making food every day. “Oops!” said a bitch, who pulled my lunch box to the floor by her ass. Not even a sorry. She left me with her evil smile. The supervisor I talked about had now become a bitch with accumulation of jealousy. I didn’t smile the whole morning. I wanted to cry. As an introvert and shy me, that’s most I would do.

“What’s happened?” finally he asked like a light of hope and warmth. He suggested having lunch together and not being sad for that. I listened. I was too busy looking at his face and listening to his voice than finishing my lunch. He told me he wanted to smoke and then we stayed at the backyard of the boutique. He was drinking a can of soda and asked if I wanna try. I said okay and I officially got that ‘indirect kiss’ with the help of that can. Blushed!

If there’s one thing he taught me through, that would be not over-concerning how others feel towards our bond, at the end of the day, only he and I matter. Don’t waste every precious & sweet second of ours.
I had to attend my graduation dinner after work but he wanted me to hang out with him for a while. We were in the street and he said “I dun feel well…….I feel so cold……take my hand.” I did and he grasped my hand in the STREET! C’mon! Will people watch and feel bad? Will we be arrested for being gay? He smiled and our hands were glued together until we said goodbye.

We didn’t start officially but blind can see we were much more than friends. He was really brave and he would never told me “I wanna hold your hands so much in the street but I’m so afraid that people will feel sick of us…I feel so bad…’ because we did hold hands, hug and share the foods anywhere just like any pair of lovers. He opened my eyes in the world of love. Be brave in love as that’s the only way to make it true.

He showed me the places he liked to eat and he told the staffs there I was his new lover. I know there’re loads of critics and discrimination against gay people but we never got that. He was a true romantic person. There must be something sweet-to-melt happened every time we met. He never yelled at me or I should say he was ever tender and caring to me.

Our relationship was like a romantic movie’s but part of his life still remained mysterious. I was too shy to call him and I was always afraid of disturbing others (I still am!). He would tell me his stuffs and I wouldn’t be such nosy to ask anything. I told my friends about our relationship and they all said he must be gay, but I will say ‘Hey, we haven’t started officially, nobody talked about the start in this bond……” Who was I kidding? I still didn’t believe love would happen on me and that person was such a sweet, tender and romantic guy. He treated me like his pearl. Nobody had treated me like this before.

Shop Sales don’t have fixed lunch hour so there’ll be people serving us whenever we do shopping. Today, he and I cannot have lunch together. It was raining when he was having lunch and I was worrying at the shop. Did he carry an umbrella? Please dun catch cold, please……Lord, please protect him. He came back laughing and dashing around with a GIRL. From their body language, they were lovers. What the……? Why? What was happening? The girl stared at me before she left. He and I didn’t talk after that scene as that was a really busy day. Even we did, I was too embarrassed to ask what was happening. I was such an innocent boy. I can imagine how easy to take advantage of a boy like me that time! I was not sure if he’s taking advantage of me but I was so confused of the whole thing. From what I saw on TV and heard from friends. Lovers were loyal and totally exclusive for each other but things seem not working like that this time. How come?

Thursday, July 14, 2005

First Sip Of Honey

“The best way to learn about yourself is to fall in love.” That means I never got to know myself greatly until nineteen years old. Unlike most high school kids fluttering around with dates, I buried myself into different kinds of extra-curricular activities. That made me a famous kid. It’s impossible for one to study at my school and stay clueless to my presence. A weakened family bond provided a fantastic environment for me to spread outward, which also means friends are my family. I never knew what a lover can bring into my life or the other way. I had no idea.

I did go out with two girls but that were nothing serious or I should say I was too young to know what love meant (I still don’t). Green days stopped until the summer after my high school era.

“Such a poor kid!”I saw a teen lifting boxes and boxes of clothes from here to there by unreasonable orders from a harsh supervisor, who later told me the reason to order him around was to get more chances to speak with the ‘teen’. She fancied him. I thought he’s much younger than me until he stood up from his kneeling. He gave me a glance. I was too sleepy to say hi. That was my first day working at DKNY. My first summer job and I thought it’s brilliant to work as sales – nothing much to do and staying away from the burning sun.

I worked and behaved like the best employee at the shop. I lied to the Shop Manager that I had sales experience or they will not even lay an eye on me. It’s just I was so confident that what I missed could be made up by enthusiasm and hard work. The ‘teen’ was very different. He had been in retailing for more than 7 years and he knew how to maximize his time to chill out while he managed to talk with everyone in the shop and sometimes chat on phone like there’s nobody’s watching.
DKNY is such a big store. We were assigned to stand far away from each other, so we wouldn’t end up talking all day but not working. Silly tactic. He came and chat with me like every 5 mins. I was too shy to talk much. Mostly he would tell me about his life, his friends and what he worked before. He worked as a make-up artist at Nina Ricci.

“Wow~ you were in such a beautiful industry!”
“Not as beautiful as you.”

Major Blushing! I didn’t know what to say.

Why did he say something like this? Do I really look such beautiful? Did he know what he said or was he just kidding? No guy has ever been so interested in me. Why did my heart beat so fast when he stood next to me? Questions were left unanswered for a few days……

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